Monday, April 26, 2010

Another month in the wilderness

Oh, how I miss blogging. I miss writing. I feel like the words are going to burst out of me at times if I don't get them down on paper or in cyberspace. life has taken a complete 180. I am now in an advanced computer class 12 hours a week at the local college. I also am required to work in a job training program 20 hours a week.
How does this work for a homeschooling mom of 7 small children? If you have a good answer...let me know! Just kidding...God has this all under control,even if I do not!
Strangely enough, it works like it is supposed to work. DH is fighting a really bad back injury and is not able to *work* even though he is too stubborn to stop completely. He is able to be home with the children while I am out in the world. He has taken over the schooling on some scale that we have not yet determined. So we aren't eating the 3 course meals I used to make...we throw together some grilled chicken and veggies last minute and we are good. So, we realize that we are out of milk as I stare at the children's cereal bowls in the morning...oops...they will survive and I can just run down to the local convenience store at any hour of the day or night!
We are trying to figure out how to get everything done without me there doing in. A great challenge for the whole family.
Some have suggested that we cut the school year short this year and not focus on school much. I am OK with that idea...except we missed so much schooling with moving, me suffering 2 miscarriages and a plethora of other issues, crisis and problems that had to be ironed out this last year. Now, much of our "free time" is spent shuttling DH to doctors, neurosurgeons etc.
A big part of me wants #1 son to really be prepared for his future and get that schooling in...of course...there is not much time for me to fixate on that AND I know that I know that I know that God has his future already planned out for him. *WHEW* My brain is full.
It is a strange season spiritually as well. I am convinced that I am testing some of my ideas on unconditional love with the Lord. Not a rebellion...just pushing some boundaries of who I thought I had to be and how that looks. I am sure that came through in my previous posts on grace vs. legalism.

One thing I wanted to share was that even though I am radically different, seeking, searching and working my butt off out of the house and in...God's spirit is still with me. There are times that I wonder and then I will feel his Spirit prompt me to remember in some old song I love or some comment from a loved one.
The most recent was a Metallica song. (I know...we Christians are not *supposed* to listen to HEAVY METAL...sorry...I rarely do what I am *supposed* to do.) Anyway.
This is on my phone, for music that I listen to when I am at the gym and the heavy beats and guitar riffs get me working out extra hard. (ever tried to work out to Enya?) A song called "One" came on that almost moved me to tears.
The lyrics that got me were only this..."oh, please God wake me"
The song goes on to say that the landmine (from a war) had "taken my sight, taken my speech, taken my hearing, taken my arms, taken my legs...taken my soul, left me with life in hell.
I know this is a leap, but TO ME...I got so much from that. How often am I hurt and shattered from some experience, or someone trying to box me into a certain mold that I feel just like that wounded man?
I can so relate to being blind, deaf, mute and helpless in the face of some onslaught of legalism or control from man. Oh God...please wake me. That is my cry today.
I know that God is waking me. Many will not understand or like the changes that I am awakening to but I can attest that they are all about loving God, freedom and reaching out to the prodigals. Not sure what form that will take yet...I have to figure out where I am on my own long march to the Father. Good thing he is standing there with open arms and Jesus is carrying me over the deeper ruts and valleys.
Thank God...I am not left alone. EVER. Thank God, the word of God tells me that he would follow me to hell and back.
Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in hell, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand will lead me, and your right hand hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will cover me, and the light become night around me," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness and light are both alike to you. (Psalm 139:7-12)

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