Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Today I was struck with the thought that my life has been a series of left turns.
It was one of those moments where I believe God spoke to me and showed me this whole picture of my life and answered many of my questions in just a brief moment of inspiration. I am sure that my words will not be able to convey the fullness of that moment.
I saw that I am always making left turns...which bring me back around in a circle instead of a straight line. This was not a discouraging thought as if I am not "getting anywhere" instead, I was wrapped in comfort at the knowledge that no matter how far I think I have gone in any direction, right or wrong, I am actually only circling back around to where I started, in the presence of my Creator.
The bible says "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." Psalm 139:7-12
In my journey I have experienced what the Psalmist says here. I have thought that I was in the heavens and I have made my bed in the depths. I now see that both of these are illusion. I have never left God's side, or rather...He has never left mine.
The course in Miracles says that the belief that we are separated from God is insanity. I can relate to that. Insanity. To come back to sanity is to realize that we cannot be separated from God. To know salvation and forgiveness is to restore our sanity.
The threads of this concept have been ever woven through my tapestry. I saw that thread when I realized that the so called "goodness" I was walking in when I was an ultra-conservative Christian was nothing. It was all vanity and trying to be "good enough" to reach God. It took me many years to realize that I was already perfect to God through the sacrifice of Jesus. For me to deny that by working to be good, was for me to deny that work at Calvary.
Why build towers of goodness higher and higher to reach God like the tower of Babel? I had spent so much time stacking bricks for nothing. I thought that I had come so far, come to the mountain tops...when I was only making left turns.
I have also seen the other side of this Psalm. I have made my bed in the depths, I have thought "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me." I have walked down dark places trying to escape God's presence because, surely I am not good enough, surely I have messed up so bad that there is no coming back this time! But, I was only making left turns.
In my twisted humor, I picture myself charging off in these directions full speed and see God just shake his head and smile at me as I am actually only making tiny circles in the dust. Wearing a path down in the mud when I should be sitting beside him in the green grass.
There is nowhere that I need to go. There is nothing that I need to do. I just need to realize that I cannot be separated from God.
To think otherwise is insanity and the origin of all my troubles, "sins", pains and suffering.
"I am like God, and God like me. I am as large as God, He is as small as I. He cannot above me, nor I beneath Him be." Selatius, 17th Century. S
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Well, it has been over a year since I posted. So much has happened and so much has changed that I can't even begin. I am still fighting Chiari every day...it is an incurable brain disorder. We have moved to Georgia to help DH's elderly mother. That is a LONG story. Life is not what it was..I have changed in so many ways, as has my family. I realized this morning that we have made it through the very fires of hell together. I am grateful for my family...there are not enough words. I hope to begin writing again, as my health allows. I have days where I just sleep, but I can walk on my own again, cook, clean, drive (some days)and do my best to care for the kiddos. They are all in school now...homeschooling seems like a distant memory tho I did it for 13 years. They are growing like weeds and thriving where they are planted currently. My oldest is about 6'1 driving, shredding on guitar and has a wonderful girlfriend that we adore. Life goes so fast. Things are not perfect, not ordered as I might order it but I am grasping to believe that God has things in line. I hope to share some of what has transpired but how do I begin to tell of total and radical changes in my body, mind and spirit? How does one begin to tell the story of loss of faith and utter hopelessness once that dark grip has loosened? How can I tell of the undying devotion and love that I have gotten only from my husband and children in the midst of needing total care? This has affected all of us in ways that are yet to be seen. We have lost and gained and grieved and rejoiced and screamed and cried and yet we are still here, being moved forward still. Today, my heart is full and my mind is quiet. I call that recovery and healing as I know it to be now.