Sunday, April 1, 2012
since I have become ill, I have literally lost most of my friends and acquaintances. It's been very hurtful and confusing. Reading that it is a common thing for people to get scared and run from illness does little to make the sick person feel better. I've been lonely and bitter about the sudden isolation. I can't get out to see people either, so that doesn't help. Somedays, when I'm having a bad day and I can't get out of bed, I think about the people I'm missing these days. The last 3 days have been hard. I'm too dizzy to walk. I am finding it hard to want to get out of bed when I know I'm just going to stumble around and hope to not fall. My headaches are severe lately, my arsenal of pain meds don't touch the pain. It's hard to keep going, especially when you feel alone. Today I realized that maybe I'm not supposed to have any of these people in my life. Maybe they are not really what I need. If I need to walk this path with just my husband and kids, that has to be ok. Maybe I don't need anyone else? I know that I have to move forward with or without other people. We have been handling this on our own so far, maybe that is the way God wants it? Who knows God's will, not me. I do know that I have learned so much about the ways of man, the ways of myself and the reality of hard times. You really, really do see who has your back when the rubber hits the road. Peoples words really mean nothing unless you see the actions too. These are my realities, not written as a downer, just my feelings in writing.